Shit Awards

The Spike TV Video Game Awards were on yesterday early last week, and I actually managed to sit through the entire fucking shitfest. Here’s a show meant to celebrate video games, and yet it makes me feel completely repulsed for the whole medium and makes me want to quit playing games forever. Way to sell the medium, Spike! I think the whole two hour affair caused a mass brain-cell genocide. Millions perished.

Now I know where Spike TV derived its name from. Watching it is very much like having a Railroad spike pounded into your abdomen.

Pretty much anyone that has played more than two games in their life was equally repulsed, as their coverage shows.

What follows are my live, but belated, transcriptions of the show — with some edits and comments and clean-ups here and there. I think my frustration with the whole show is evident…

Well, this stupid show is about to start and I already know I’m going to hate it. I’m going to try to see just how much I can tolerate before giving up in disgust.

ARGGG. Already. The host is interviewing some celeb that doesn’t play or know anything about video games except for the two that she did voice work for. She says that. A couple of times. And after saying all that, the host asks her what game she’s looking forward to in 2005…. ARGGG.

OK. So now there is some musical performance by some rappers performing some tracks that have no connection to games at all. Joy

And to make it even more intolerable, the tape delay means that the Spike tight-asses are censoring about every other word that they say. My tv now sounds like a skipping CD.

Now Scoop Dogg is talking to his Def Jam Vendetta equivalent. Oh yes. “Best Performance By A Human Female”. Thank god they were specific with the “human” part, otherwise you’d think that any old bitch could win.

And now the pre-show host won the award. How convenient. Apparently, her voice work consisted of some minor dialogue in an intro video. I don’t know.

“Hot Girls Read Cheat Codes”

That about sums it the fuck up.

Now you’ve heard it from the definitive source: San Andreas is better than the previous GTAs because “the hookers look better.” That is seriously what they said.

EA EA EA EA EA EA EA EA!
The premier of “The Godfather” game.
Marlon Brando is rolling in his grave.

…and then we go into “Best Driving Game”, where it’s EA vs, uh, EA, vs… E-fucking-A.

EA!!!!

They could only find three fucking nominees for best racing game? What about Outrun 2? What about… other things. I’m sure there are others.

Somebody put this stupid ghetto-gangster fad to death already. Snoop Dogg really does need to get blown…




AWAY. (this stupid joke was a reference to such an equally stupid joke during the VGAs)

Cybervixen of the year == Bloodrayne

My head is about to explode.

..

Ok, is Snoop Dogg hosting this or not? He’s appeared like twice so far, and the rest of the “announcing” has been done by that overly enthusiastic (obnoxious) DJ guy that can’t pronounce any of the games or names. WTF?

Oh look, another rapper!!

Best gaming publication, lumped in a half-a-minute group of winners, is Game Informer. Obviously, their Paper Mario review was in favour of this demographic. There were like 10 other award winners mentioned, including “Best Designer”, but they went by so fast I have no idea who won anything. They couldn’t slow those down to be proper announcements because, I guess, it would interfere with the rap music

At least Riddick got some love and Vin Diesel — as much as I dislike him — gave thanks and actually mentioned the developers and thanked them too. He was slurred, but at least the thought was there.

Hmmm, the footage they used to show Halo 2 when they were showing the game of the year nominations was the ancient E3 footage and not the actual final game.

Hooray. Another Snoop performance!

There has been more time spent on censoring rap lyrics during the show than actually showing game footage.

EVERYBODY COME ON.

“Spike TV has the mad hook-ups”

Says Snoop before introducing John Singleton who premiers his new game… featuring Snoop… who is wearing a Game Informer T-Shirt, not surprisingly, the same Game Informer that won Best Publication. I SMELL BS.

More of it, at least.

Oh look, Stryker is accepting an award for Burnout 3… time to do to the tv what I did to his Burnout 3 radio: MUTE.

Game of the Year: GTA:SA
Samuel L. Jackson: “I’m accepting this on behalf of Grand Theft Auto 2. […] Thanks for making Grand Theft Auto 2 the greatest!”

YEAH. Motley Crue!!! With Snoop Dogg rapping some more!! That’s all I can stands, I can’t stands no more.

Holy shit, what a glorious televised EA blow job that was.

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