Perfect Dark Unsexiness

So what happens when testosterone-driven FPS game makers working for Microsoft want to improve the demographic “appeal” of their title? They make an unrealistic “sexy” female lead character and have her pose in FHM. That should appease the early teens who buy our awesome rehashes!

Now, if their nerd version of sexy wasn’t quite enough, they try to spruce up her image by making a sexy song. via “teh pile”:

Since it is a video game, they have to try to make her “sexy.” However, this song (presumably the game’s end credits theme) is the wrong way to go about such a thing, and serves as a perfect example of why people who make video games shouldn’t ever try to be sexy.

(Sample lyrics: “Slide me to the floor / I’m waiting on my knees / Crown your pearls on me / Can’t you see I need you here / Sliding deep inside me”)

As if they didn’t whore out their IP enough already. This “song” is so painfully and offensively bad that XBox 360s are going to implode when this comes on. It’s just downright offensive. There’s no other word for it. Hear the proof with your own ears: Offensive Perfect Dark Song. Also on YSI.

And that is the output of a male geek dominated industry. No wonder Nintendo didn’t care much for Rare. This holiday, give me Animal Crossing over this garbage.

This is a soundtrack that has been identified as such:

“The Perfect Dark Zero soundtrack is one of the tightest, most exciting, kick ass high tech/emo/groove/dance soundtracks ever to drop,” said Rogers. “It’s gonna rock your world! This is the beginning of the future of game soundtracks. Perfect Dark Zero brings it.”

This song might very well answer the question as to why Rare takes so long to release games: all their developers and creatives seem to spend most of the development time fawning over internet porn. That’s the only answer that can explain their delays and the contents of this song. No wonder it’s been nominated for a Spike Video Game Award. Yeesh.

If this is the future of game soundtracks, count me out.

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